It was about 6 months after Alan passed away that the anxiety first arrived. That was also in January 2016 when Alan and I would have celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.....in the dead of winter when it's cold, dreary, and often snowy. A friend suggested GriefShare which is a 13 week Christ-focused support group (www.Grief.Share.org), and I'm so thankful that she pointed me in that direction. It was during that first GriefShare session where I heard that anxiety is a very common experience during grief.
There was reassurance knowing that others who were facilitating the group had walked down this painful path and healed. In hard seasons, none of us know how long that season might last. God would not simply remove my grief pain and the anxiety that was accompanying it but He had promised me that He would not leave me during that season. When it seemed unbearable, He was my rock. My naturopathic doctor (Dr. Peter Swanz) had given me coping strategies which helped but they also didn't "magically" remove the anxiety. I knew it was going to be a painful path to emotional healing that no one could walk for me.
When we were in southern California the last two months before Alan passed away, we began to understand just how intricately each part of the body is intertwined. We are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual beings. When one part of the body is suffering, it will affect the other parts of the body. It was about one year after the anxiety first arrived that I was begging God to remove this "thorn from my flesh". It was in prayer that I heard God's quiet prompting, "Sit in my presence". I clearly heard, "You have my Word (both written and in the person of Jesus Christ) in your heart". What was different now was that God was not prompting me to open my Bible or a daily devotional or ANYTHING. I was to start my day in complete silence.
Two years ago as the season of Lent began, I started down that new road of morning silence. It was the beginning of my new prayer experience. Months before, my daughter, Elizabeth and I attended a Qigong class where I learned the importance and technique of deep breathing. Babies and small children breathe abdominally. Most adults, routinely do chest breathing. Someplace along the way as stress and the busyness of life take over, we move from being abdominal breathers to chest breathers. Today, I'm more mindful of my breathing. When I'm driving or sitting behind the computer typing, I remind myself to breathe abdominally.
In the dark quiet of my bedroom sitting on a comfortable chair sipping warm lemon water, I began my day in quiet. Because I'm easily distracted, I removed my glasses and I set the timer on my phone for 30 minutes. I would just sit and breathe deeply allowing the breath to slowly fill my abdomen and then slowly release that breath. When my mind wandered and it often did (and still does), I would refocus. The first few months, it was amazing that most days I would have a gut-wrenching sob that I had not expected when I first sat down on that chair. Unlike a cry, those sobs came from someplace so deep within. Following that sob, there was a peace that came over me........a peace that was beyond my understanding. After the sob, the anxiety usually lifted and I had freedom from it. The anxiety might return later that day, maybe the next day, or I might have a break from that "thorn" for a number of days. Slowly, the number of days and weeks between anxious times was extended. Today, I can add anxiety to my list of "healed conditions". Although there are times now when I feel anxious, I no longer have the anxiety symptoms that I was experiencing for about two years. But there are still days when I'll have a good healing cry.
During early fetal development in our mother's womb, a mass of cells are divided creating TWO thinking machines.....the brain (central nervous system) & the gut (enteric nervous system). Later in development, these TWO thinking machines are connected so they can communicate bidirectionally (meaning in two directions) through the vagus nerve which connects part of the brain and the intestine. The brain and the gut each contain about the same number of neurotransmitters......so our bodies have a "SECOND brain" that is alive and communicating in the gut. Most people will refer to a "gut feeling" about a decision or a situation they are facing. When I'm anxious, I can feel the tightening in my gut area. For most people, that's the area of the body that holds emotional stress. When we're emotionally stressed, there's a very good chance our bowel habits will be adversely affected.
From an earlier blog (It's a beautiful machine! - October 2018), you know that constipation was an "issue" for me for as long as I can remember. Starting this new morning routine of quietly drawing in life-giving breath brought relief from the anxiety in my gut along with a bonus gift. As my abdomen was being flooded with oxygen, the emotional stress and anxiety were relieved so my bowel would move. My TWO brains were speaking to one another. They are forever connected. And so are yours!
So, what about you? Possibly you're holding your daily or emotional stress in your gut and God wants to give you relief. Maybe you're like me and you've been holding on to emotional pain or stress that's gotten tightly packed down in your body. Maybe you're carrying buried grief, anger, fear, disappointments, or frustrations from long ago. Or maybe the stress is from a lifestyle of always being "plugged in", surrounded by noise, and not giving your body a daily dose of silence.
Maybe the first thing in the morning is too hectic for you. If so, possibly you could carve out another time during the day or in the evening to sit in His presence and allow Him to love on you and guide you to emotional healing. That gift of emotional healing will bring improved health to all parts of your body!
Below you'll find my recipe for a Daily Silent Retreat.
